Comments on: Power No-Struggles

By: sonya

sonya — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 05:16:39 +0000

I found Connection Parenting very helpful as well. I appreciate the reminder about the rewinding technique. I’m finding I need it more with a two and a half year old than I have in his whole life up to now. Another really helpful book is Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. His perspective has definitely helped me to be a better parent–maybe just to interact with all people better. Yep, I like the book that much.

By: sonya

sonya — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 05:13:29 +0000

Thanks for pointing out that “why” is a replacement for “no’ with the same need behind it. It makes perfect sense that children want to control their worlds. I’m not quite sure I know what you mean by making control a desirable surprise, but I’m interested in the idea.

By: Richard H. Smith

Richard H. Smith — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 18:32:30 +0000

Dear Mama Sonya,
Cavanaugh and you have hit the bull’s eye for relating. The greater the attachment the more Cavanaugh will (not need to) individuate. Attachment experts (Bowlby, Ainsworth and on down the line) mistakenly believed individuation had to overcome attachment, but a child cannot individuate unless the child believes the child belongs socially. Cavanaugh belongs. The next step is learning that Why can replace No and will be used with the same determination to establish control. Control is essential for all of life to continue living and control also means respecting limits that is obvious to you. The primary test for being in control is to control making a desirable surprise. If an activity makes a surprise the child believes “I did it”, not mother or others or an accident. This pride in being emhances the sense of belonging and gives security for many more variations on this theme of being in control through surprise. For more info

By: Melodie

Melodie — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 00:19:17 +0000

What a great idea! Definetely the most creative one I have read about for dealing with power struggles. I will definetely be trying this with my almost 2 yr old. Thanks!

By: justine

justine — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:58:17 +0000

This sort of playfulness is exactly what our little ones are looking for when they “push our buttons” It can be difficult to practice when we are wrapped up in the moment though: our knee-jerk parenting programming kicks in usually. I often use Pam Leo’s Connection Parenting technique of Rewinding (just simply start over the right way after you’ve said or done the wrong thing with your kids). And now I will be adding the No/Yes game to my parenting tool box, as well!