Comments on: Attachment Parenting Is Keeping Us Up at Night: Why We Haven’t Gone the Cry-It-Out Route http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/ Thu, 17 May 2012 16:35:36 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.5 By: Elaine http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-8673 Elaine Thu, 05 Apr 2012 11:01:57 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-8673 I think there is a happy medium - there are ways to soothe a baby back to sleep - without just leaving them on their own to cry - but which encourage them to sleep for longer periods over time, to be used on babies over 1 year (babies under 1 year need to wake often to feed). When my baby was 14 months she was sleeping on our bed and breastfeeding on and off all night but this was becoming more and more uncomfortable for me. So we adopted a rule whereby if it was less than x hours since last breastfeeding, she was not allowed out of her cot (which is in our room) as once she was on the bed she would pull at me to breastfeed. However that doesn't mean we left her to cry on her own. I would hug her (over the bars of the cot) then put her in a lying position then rub her back, she would often stand up again and I would repeat this, I would also offer her some drinking water. She would cry a bit but in a sort of frustrated way, not in an "I have been abandoned" way. I would not get back into my bed until she was asleep again so I was with her all the time during this going back to sleep process. I would also whisper "time for sleeping" in a gentle way. This worked very well - the first two nights it took an hour for her go to back to sleep each time but within a week she would wake up, take some water and a hug and lie back down herself (in expectation of back rub) and then go to sleep within two minutes ! She is now sleeping often for 8 hour stretches at a time, and I can sleep too in my own bed undisturbed ! I think this approach is consistent with AP while also respecting my need for sleep ! As I said I think it is appropriate for babies over 1 year only though, but the above example is a 1 and a half year old. For Lynn, even though the baby is only 4 months old maybe an approach like this would be more acceptable to your daughter in law than complete CIO ? I think there is a happy medium – there are ways to soothe a baby back to sleep – without just leaving them on their own to cry – but which encourage them to sleep for longer periods over time, to be used on babies over 1 year (babies under 1 year need to wake often to feed). When my baby was 14 months she was sleeping on our bed and breastfeeding on and off all night but this was becoming more and more uncomfortable for me. So we adopted a rule whereby if it was less than x hours since last breastfeeding, she was not allowed out of her cot (which is in our room) as once she was on the bed she would pull at me to breastfeed. However that doesn’t mean we left her to cry on her own. I would hug her (over the bars of the cot) then put her in a lying position then rub her back, she would often stand up again and I would repeat this, I would also offer her some drinking water. She would cry a bit but in a sort of frustrated way, not in an “I have been abandoned” way. I would not get back into my bed until she was asleep again so I was with her all the time during this going back to sleep process. I would also whisper “time for sleeping” in a gentle way. This worked very well – the first two nights it took an hour for her go to back to sleep each time but within a week she would wake up, take some water and a hug and lie back down herself (in expectation of back rub) and then go to sleep within two minutes ! She is now sleeping often for 8 hour stretches at a time, and I can sleep too in my own bed undisturbed ! I think this approach is consistent with AP while also respecting my need for sleep ! As I said I think it is appropriate for babies over 1 year only though, but the above example is a 1 and a half year old. For Lynn, even though the baby is only 4 months old maybe an approach like this would be more acceptable to your daughter in law than complete CIO ?

]]> By: Rita Brhel http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-8661 Rita Brhel Sat, 31 Mar 2012 01:51:00 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-8661 From my personal experience, as I did not AP my oldest child in the sleep area for a time before I discovered API, the stress from CIO comes out in other ways. So, while your baby may be crying herself to sleep, and eventually does fall asleep, don't be surprised if you see other issues pop up that seem to be totally unrelated. You may have increased separation anxiety, discipline issues, regressed potty training, etc. The baby period is intense, but that's the way it is...that's the way it's designed to be. Talk to a mother with several children...it all works out later. Don't give up on the nighttime parenting, but rather, learn to change your expectations. These early years don't last very long, although it can seem to at the time, but really, it provides a time to adjust to motherhood. From my personal experience, as I did not AP my oldest child in the sleep area for a time before I discovered API, the stress from CIO comes out in other ways. So, while your baby may be crying herself to sleep, and eventually does fall asleep, don’t be surprised if you see other issues pop up that seem to be totally unrelated. You may have increased separation anxiety, discipline issues, regressed potty training, etc. The baby period is intense, but that’s the way it is…that’s the way it’s designed to be. Talk to a mother with several children…it all works out later. Don’t give up on the nighttime parenting, but rather, learn to change your expectations. These early years don’t last very long, although it can seem to at the time, but really, it provides a time to adjust to motherhood.

]]> By: Cassandra http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-8660 Cassandra Sat, 31 Mar 2012 00:05:44 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-8660 Kellianne---thank you for having the guts to post this comment, I SO AGREE! I am all for attachment parenting. I had my baby at home in a pool with my midwife and cater to his EVERY tiny need (my friends think I'm obsessed with loving him and they're right!). He is with me all day-we play-we cuddle-we nurse-we laugh---everyone, even strangers, comment on how happy, good natured and SMART my baby is! He is almost 20 lbs and only 5 3/4 months old so he is definitely thriving (exclusively breastfed). BUT....!....after almost 6 months of waking every 2-3 (sometimes 1) hrs to feed/soothe him...I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THATS TIRED. HE IS TOO! I have taught him that my breasts and/or bouncing are the ONLY way to fall asleep. So I say to you wonderful mommies out there...every baby is different. I WOULD NOT have let him CIO at 3, 4, or even 5 months...but I feel that it is time. (and i have learned that going in to soothe him every 5-15 min just MAKES HIM MORE UPSET) He KNOWS I love him, and its my job as a good steward and mother to him, to teach him to sleep and sleep well. But some babies may not be ready until much later. ((HUGS)) to all of you...and dont judge each other, lift one another up! Being a mother is beautiful and hard and the most fantastic love Ive ever known. Love your child and dont get caught up in the politics of it. :) Kellianne—thank you for having the guts to post this comment, I SO AGREE!
I am all for attachment parenting. I had my baby at home in a pool with my midwife and cater to his EVERY tiny need (my friends think I’m obsessed with loving him and they’re right!).
He is with me all day-we play-we cuddle-we nurse-we laugh—everyone, even strangers, comment on how happy, good natured and SMART my baby is! He is almost 20 lbs and only 5 3/4 months old so he is definitely thriving (exclusively breastfed).
BUT….!….after almost 6 months of waking every 2-3 (sometimes 1) hrs to feed/soothe him…I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE THATS TIRED. HE IS TOO! I have taught him that my breasts and/or bouncing are the ONLY way to fall asleep.
So I say to you wonderful mommies out there…every baby is different. I WOULD NOT have let him CIO at 3, 4, or even 5 months…but I feel that it is time. (and i have learned that going in to soothe him every 5-15 min just MAKES HIM MORE UPSET)
He KNOWS I love him, and its my job as a good steward and mother to him, to teach him to sleep and sleep well. But some babies may not be ready until much later.
((HUGS)) to all of you…and dont judge each other, lift one another up! Being a mother is beautiful and hard and the most fantastic love Ive ever known. Love your child and dont get caught up in the politics of it. :)

]]> By: advice for tina http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-8539 advice for tina Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:15:03 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-8539 I cosleep at night but my 6 month old takes her naps in her crib and in her pram(bugaboo cot) I wore her for naps for the first couple of months and then as she grew she started at 8 lbs and is now 17 (completely breastfed might I add) my back couldn't handle it. I believe I owe her sleep to a few products and walking. Since she takes a two hour nap in the buggy she is calm when we are at home afterwards and I get my chores done then. Her morning sleep in the cot is only 30-45 minutes, I have a wedge under her mattress to help with reflux. In the bugaboo pram I have a wedge, to lift her up part of why she likes sleeping on/with me is she is elevated when we cosleep. I also have recreated the cocoon of the baby sling with a blanket called babynomade by red castle. You don't need a snowsuit with this, in fact I just put her in a really warm sweater booties and this wrap blanket. She will now fall asleep once in the blanket, she'll stay asleep if I walk her. The third thing is a peace curtain, you could just use a blanket but I really like this its uv and blocks out light so when she wakes after 45 minutes, she falls back asleep. THe three elements plus the motion seem to recreate the baby wearing, while giving my back a break, me some fresh air and some sanity. I walk two hours a day feeling fit and she's rested enough to play on a mat and watch me cook dinner when we get back. Good luck I know its hard I too came to cosleeping accidentally, you know your baby and you'll find whats best for both of you. I cosleep at night but my 6 month old takes her naps in her crib and in her pram(bugaboo cot)
I wore her for naps for the first couple of months and then as she grew she started at 8 lbs and is now 17 (completely breastfed might I add) my back couldn’t handle it.
I believe I owe her sleep to a few products and walking. Since she takes a two hour nap in the buggy she is calm when we are at home afterwards and I get my chores done then. Her morning sleep in the cot is only 30-45 minutes, I have a wedge under her mattress to help with reflux.
In the bugaboo pram I have a wedge, to lift her up part of why she likes sleeping on/with me is she is elevated when we cosleep. I also have recreated the cocoon of the baby sling with a blanket called babynomade by red castle. You don’t need a snowsuit with this, in fact I just put her in a really warm sweater booties and this wrap blanket. She will now fall asleep once in the blanket, she’ll stay asleep if I walk her. The third thing is a peace curtain, you could just use a blanket but I really like this its uv and blocks out light so when she wakes after 45 minutes, she falls back asleep. THe three elements plus the motion seem to recreate the baby wearing, while giving my back a break, me some fresh air and some sanity. I walk two hours a day feeling fit and she’s rested enough to play on a mat and watch me cook dinner when we get back.

Good luck I know its hard I too came to cosleeping accidentally, you know your baby and you’ll find whats best for both of you.

]]> By: Tina, NYC http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-8533 Tina, NYC Thu, 09 Feb 2012 02:06:39 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-8533 I need some advice and reassurance because while I came into cosleeping and bed sharing entirely accidentally I have now come to believe it is the right thing. However my challenge is my 3 month old will not nap anywhere but on me. This makes getting chores done nearly impossible. Yes, some things I can do while I am baby wearing Him but most chores are just too physical. I basically want my cake and eat it too. Nap on crib but sleep with me at night. Is this possible? Also I need to find other liked minded parents. I live in NYC can anyone suggest anything? I go to la leche meetings and belong to various new mom groups but no one is cosleeping. Many thanks!!!-Tina I need some advice and reassurance because while I came into cosleeping and bed sharing entirely accidentally I have now come to believe it is the right thing. However my challenge is my 3 month old will not nap anywhere but on me. This makes getting chores done nearly impossible. Yes, some things I can do while I am baby wearing Him but most chores are just too physical.
I basically want my cake and eat it too. Nap on crib but sleep with me at night. Is this possible? Also I need to find other liked minded parents. I live in NYC can anyone suggest anything? I go to la leche meetings and belong to various new mom groups but no one is cosleeping. Many thanks!!!-Tina

]]> By: One Tired Mama but One Happy Baby http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-8513 One Tired Mama but One Happy Baby Sun, 29 Jan 2012 21:05:51 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-8513 Thank you so much for this posting!! My little girl is five months and waking every 3 hours. I have a 3 year old boy and need to function in the morning and after a short attempt to move her into her own room am back to cosleeping and nursing on demand. I was feeling down and feeling pressure to sleep train her. Thank you for giving me the bolster I needed to remember I know what is best for my baby. Its great to be able to discuss this hear as people even other nursing moms are in shock when I say how often I'm up. We were very practical and when my husband wasn't sleeping well with the two of us he moved into the guest room. I feel pressure to work toward getting her out of our bed so he can come back. For my baby and my sanity I can't even entertain the idea of walking down the hall and nursing in a chair but also want care for my wonderful and supportive husband. Thank you so much for this posting!! My little girl is five months and waking every 3 hours. I have a 3 year old boy and need to function in the morning and after a short attempt to move her into her own room am back to cosleeping and nursing on demand. I was feeling down and feeling pressure to sleep train her. Thank you for giving me the bolster I needed to remember I know what is best for my baby. Its great to be able to discuss this hear as people even other nursing moms are in shock when I say how often I’m up.

We were very practical and when my husband wasn’t sleeping well with the two of us he moved into the guest room. I feel pressure to work toward getting her out of our bed so he can come back. For my baby and my sanity I can’t even entertain the idea of walking down the hall and nursing in a chair but also want care for my wonderful and supportive husband.

]]> By: Rachel http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-8508 Rachel Mon, 23 Jan 2012 07:54:28 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-8508 I posted almost a year ago about CIO not being for my son, and I don't know if that was true at the time, but boy did it do wonders about 6 months later! I was at my wits end, rocking my son for almost 2 hours one night and i put him down he was STILL not asleep.... ugh! I decided to give it a try and he slept the first night only waking up ONCE! I was amazed, grateful, happy, excited, everything! I also wished I had tried it a little sooner, but i think it's better to be good and sure they are ready for it. I used the gradual extinction method, letting him cry 2 min, soothing, cry 5 min, soothing, 10 min and then at 15 min, he stopped crying and went to sleep. I think the 2 most important things are being consistent, and putting lo down AWAKE and leaving the room, even if he is crying! that is very important because he will know when he wakes up at night he will have to go back to sleep by himself (but follow the same routine of 2 min, soothing, 5 min etc), instead of being rocked to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night confused and upset about this change in routine. My son was 18 months when I started CIO so I explained to him throughout the day that he was a big boy now and had to go to sleep like a big boy, and all that entailed. As long as you are completely ready and you have a good solid attachment with lo, it will be fine to try and you will never know until you try! I posted almost a year ago about CIO not being for my son, and I don’t know if that was true at the time, but boy did it do wonders about 6 months later! I was at my wits end, rocking my son for almost 2 hours one night and i put him down he was STILL not asleep…. ugh! I decided to give it a try and he slept the first night only waking up ONCE! I was amazed, grateful, happy, excited, everything! I also wished I had tried it a little sooner, but i think it’s better to be good and sure they are ready for it. I used the gradual extinction method, letting him cry 2 min, soothing, cry 5 min, soothing, 10 min and then at 15 min, he stopped crying and went to sleep. I think the 2 most important things are being consistent, and putting lo down AWAKE and leaving the room, even if he is crying! that is very important because he will know when he wakes up at night he will have to go back to sleep by himself (but follow the same routine of 2 min, soothing, 5 min etc), instead of being rocked to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night confused and upset about this change in routine. My son was 18 months when I started CIO so I explained to him throughout the day that he was a big boy now and had to go to sleep like a big boy, and all that entailed. As long as you are completely ready and you have a good solid attachment with lo, it will be fine to try and you will never know until you try!

]]> By: Lisa http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-8472 Lisa Sat, 31 Dec 2011 19:52:08 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-8472 I have to say that I came upon this website when researching CIO and attachment parenting, as I have done both, together, and was curious if anyone else had as well. My husband and I practised attachment parenting from the time our son was born- it just seemed natural and instinctive to us. I breastfed on demand, co-slept, baby wore, etc, and it was good for the first few months. At around 6 months, our baby seemed to be getting more and more into staying awake late into the night (until 2 or 3am-ish) and then feeding or sleeping on my breast for the rest of the night, and waking every 2 hrs or so. He also took very short (about 20 minute) sporadic naps in the day, and was really pushing us to our limits. I remember days- being so burnt out, and my son would be crying in and I would literally scream and yell at him to be quiet. If you knew me, you would know how out of character and pushed to my limits I was to yell at a baby. After trying various methods of getting our baby to go to sleep earlier, and not wake up every 1-2 hours all night, my husband and I finally tried very gradual CIO. It was very challenging, but after 3 days, we saw HUGE improvements. Our son started to take 2 long naps per day, plus sleep through the night from 8:30pm to 7am. I actually have to wake him up in the mornings for his feed. He is much happier, and so am I. I haven't yelled at my son since then, and my son is a really happy baby. I still agree with attachment parenting, but sometimes, when you feel as though you are "losing it", I think it's ok to try other options. My son never cried longer than 15 minutes during sleep training. Previous to that, I had let him cry for over 15 minutes when attempting to have a shower and blow dry my hair, on several occasions! (Not intentionally, of course!) And every time our son whimpers in the night now (usually about once per night) I am there, rubbing his back and soothing him right away. It usually takes just a couple of seconds before he is fast asleep. I know in my heart that I am a good mom, and my intentions are nothing but the best for my son. If I had continued on just attachment parenting though, I am afraid that I might have continued being overwhelmed and yelling at him. Which I don't need any scientific study to prove to me, is just wrong. I have to say that I came upon this website when researching CIO and attachment parenting, as I have done both, together, and was curious if anyone else had as well. My husband and I practised attachment parenting from the time our son was born- it just seemed natural and instinctive to us. I breastfed on demand, co-slept, baby wore, etc, and it was good for the first few months. At around 6 months, our baby seemed to be getting more and more into staying awake late into the night (until 2 or 3am-ish) and then feeding or sleeping on my breast for the rest of the night, and waking every 2 hrs or so. He also took very short (about 20 minute) sporadic naps in the day, and was really pushing us to our limits. I remember days- being so burnt out, and my son would be crying in and I would literally scream and yell at him to be quiet. If you knew me, you would know how out of character and pushed to my limits I was to yell at a baby. After trying various methods of getting our baby to go to sleep earlier, and not wake up every 1-2 hours all night, my husband and I finally tried very gradual CIO. It was very challenging, but after 3 days, we saw HUGE improvements. Our son started to take 2 long naps per day, plus sleep through the night from 8:30pm to 7am. I actually have to wake him up in the mornings for his feed. He is much happier, and so am I. I haven’t yelled at my son since then, and my son is a really happy baby.

I still agree with attachment parenting, but sometimes, when you feel as though you are “losing it”, I think it’s ok to try other options. My son never cried longer than 15 minutes during sleep training. Previous to that, I had let him cry for over 15 minutes when attempting to have a shower and blow dry my hair, on several occasions! (Not intentionally, of course!) And every time our son whimpers in the night now (usually about once per night) I am there, rubbing his back and soothing him right away. It usually takes just a couple of seconds before he is fast asleep. I know in my heart that I am a good mom, and my intentions are nothing but the best for my son. If I had continued on just attachment parenting though, I am afraid that I might have continued being overwhelmed and yelling at him. Which I don’t need any scientific study to prove to me, is just wrong.

]]> By: Rachel http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-6925 Rachel Tue, 15 Mar 2011 04:19:26 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-6925 That's great! I am glad that worked for you, I have a 1 year old who still wakes 2-3 times at night, so I am very jealous. He is a little on the needy side so I doubt CIO would work for him. I have a feeling it would take much longer than 1 week for him. I am happy that your husband will be home soon, I have heard (and believe it to be true) that it's harder for the one who is left behind. Thank you for sacrificing time with your husband for our country, and please thank him for his service as well! That’s great! I am glad that worked for you, I have a 1 year old who still wakes 2-3 times at night, so I am very jealous. He is a little on the needy side so I doubt CIO would work for him. I have a feeling it would take much longer than 1 week for him. I am happy that your husband will be home soon, I have heard (and believe it to be true) that it’s harder for the one who is left behind. Thank you for sacrificing time with your husband for our country, and please thank him for his service as well!

]]> By: Jessica Wright http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/2009/02/06/attachment-parenting-is-keeping-us-up-at-night-why-we-havent-gone-the-cry-it-out-route/comment-page-1/#comment-6921 Jessica Wright Mon, 14 Mar 2011 16:37:19 +0000 http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/?p=673#comment-6921 Rachel: Update My precious Angel slept 6-6 last night and woke up one time at 3am to nurse(no problem, I enjoy the cuddle). My hubby will be home in 27 days and we are well rested and ready! CIO is not for everybody and I would have never let my little one cry for 6 months, but our family is doing great because of the 1 week we did it. I wouldn't change it for the world! Rachel: Update
My precious Angel slept 6-6 last night and woke up one time at 3am to nurse(no problem, I enjoy the cuddle). My hubby will be home in 27 days and we are well rested and ready! CIO is not for everybody and I would have never let my little one cry for 6 months, but our family is doing great because of the 1 week we did it. I wouldn’t change it for the world!

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