Our daughter has never been much inclined toward sleep. A standard stretch usually won’t exceed four hours, and more frequent waking (like every hour) is far from unheard of in our house. As a result, my husband and I have yet to get a solid night’s sleep in the last 18 months.
We have marveled at the discovery that our bodies (and our minds – though arguably to a lesser extent) can continue to function on just a few nonconsecutive hours of rest a night, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. And yet, each night, when she cries, we wake to soothe her back to sleep beside us.
Mainstream American parenting culture tells us that she should be sleeping through the night by now. A common approach to accomplishing this is the Ferber/extinction method, otherwise known as “cry-it-out.” Have we considered it? Of course. Believe me, we’ve considered everything. But ultimately, crying it out just isn’t compatible with the principles of attachment parenting we believe in.
Attachment parenting is no newfangled trend. Though the term originated with pediatrician Dr. Bill Sears, the theory behind it was advanced by developmental psychologist John Bowlby in the 1960s. According to attachment theory, a strong bond between babies and parents is crucial for the child’s social, emotional, and even physical development. That bond is simply not reinforced by refusing to respond to the baby’s cry.
There is scientific evidence to support the proposition that leaving a baby to cry alone can cause physiological, if not psychological and emotional harm. Studies have shown that periods of crying and upset are accompanied by a flood of the stress hormone cortisol; frequent and prolonged exposure to cortisol can affect brain development in areas relating to memory, emotional regulation and attention, and behavior. The presence of a loving parent has been demonstrated to lower levels of cortisol even during episodes of crying.
Although such information is always of interest to us, on this issue we find ourselves guided less by science and more by instinct, and even a little common sense. Proponents of cry-it-out suggest that this method teaches the baby to “self-soothe.” I find it hard to believe that a baby left to cry it out has actually soothed herself to sleep rather than falling asleep after exhausting herself crying. It’s true that babies subjected to the cry-it-out technique may eventually cry less at night, but who’s to say that is a reflection of self-soothing skills rather than the result of basic behavioral conditioning?
Cry-it-out is, after all, operant conditioning, a method designed to extinguish a specific behavior. The baby, having learned that her attempt at communicating her need for comfort by crying does not elicit any response, will eventually cease in her efforts. Thus the crying stops – and behaviorists declare the process a success. But while she may not cry any more at night, it’s likely not because the reason she was crying has been resolved – why the baby was crying has no place in a behavioral analysis and therefore was never addressed.
All babies, in fact all people, wake frequently at night. If (hopefully when) our baby is able to wake at night and soothe herself back to sleep, we’d like for it to be because she is ready to do so, not because we’ve left her with no alternative. Some would counter that in being responsive to her nighttime needs, we’re spoiling her, and that she’ll grow up demanding and dependent. But as acknowledged by Harvard Medical School Department of Psychiatry researchers Commons and Miller, physical contact and reassurance at this young age fosters the kind of secure attachment which will provide our daughter a foundation from which to establish her independence.
We think that’s worth a few more sleepless nights.
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
You said much of what I think and feel, but have not articulated nearly so well. Thank you!
I was shocked and sort of horrified when a friend’s pediatrician told her to use CIO on her 2 month old because “she should be sleeping through the night by now.” Honestly? Do people really think a 2 month old baby is capable of sleeping for 9 hours at a time without needing to eat or be changed? I know some 2 month olds do sleep that long, but I don’t think it’s something that should be forced.
So agree!
I have an eight week old baby and am constantly told that he should sleep for longer than 2-3 hours at a time and the reason he doesn’t is because I have being doing the ‘wrong’ things. For example, I cuddle him ‘too much’, I breastfeed on demand and I co-sleep. He is absolutely thriving – meeting all his developmental milestones, rarely cries and has gained weight beautifully. People need to have a better understanding of normal human babies and frankly that includes medical professionals before they dispense advise.
hello fellow nighttime warrior. it gets better. and worse, and better. but it is always the right way for us to go. we are awake at our house too. (less at 2.9 then at 18 months!) it is always better when you feel less alone in it.
Yes! We are in the same boat at 22 months. It gets better and then worse again. We are tired, ya’ll.
But I can see her maturing and when the time feels right we’ll start pushing the idea of weaning/sleeping on her own.
Thank you! I’ve needed that reassurance for a long time now. My family, too, has strong issues with our parenting techniques but each family is so individual, we need to realize that what works for one may not for another. I think its worth a few more sleepless nights as well:).
We tried the “cry it out” thing … The idea that kids need to learn to self-soothe (after a certain age) seemed to make sense. It didn’t last long, though. Both of my kids became increasingly upset, and they were unable to settle down. We spent a few nights trying to figure out how to handle this situation, which wasn’t easy because we were so sleep-deprived!
Finally, I set up a sleeping bag and a small mattress in my son’s room. When he cried, I was there to comfort him, rub his back, and hold his hand. At the same time, he could begin to see his bedroom as a safe place.
I have co-slept and bedshared with all 4 of my kids to some degree or another. It just comes naturally. Like most parents, I question whether I am doing everything right for my kids.
I recently gave up my corporate life (I went back to work when my youngest of the older three, ages 14, 11, and 10 went to school) to start an online retail store for attachment related products as a way to stay home with my “high need” 8 month old. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it (I am working harder than ever!)
Then, I had the opportunity to attend a 1st birthday party for a very good friend’s kid. She is an attorney and continues to work outside the home. I asked how he was napping, and she proceeded to tell me what the daycare tells her about his napping/eating/diapering habits. At another point in the conversation, she mentioned how he wakes up in the morning and looks into the video baby monitor and they sit in their room, down the hall, and watch him! It was no surprise to me that at one point during the party, he became upset and didn’t look for his mom- he could have cared less who picked him up!
I came home from that party feeling sorry for my friend, and more assured than ever that I will continue to bedshare, babywear, breastfeed and stay “attached” to my baby!
My daughter inlaw told me she refuses to hold my 4 month old granddaughter. She puts her in the crib and let’s her cry. I’ve been trying to get the baby as much as possible and when I do, I hold her as much as I can. This baby is wonderful but when she goes home to her mother, she seems to have a personality change. The mother now says I can not have her that much. Last week I didn’t have the baby for 5 days. Something happened to the baby. She doesn’t cry anymore but instead screams like a grown child. I am having severe anxiety over this because I am a product of severe neglect when I was small. Do you think I should call the “authorities”? Should I try to get custody of this child? My son doesn’t know who is right …his wife or I. I really don’t know what to do…please help me!
Lynn, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this–it’s very difficult when different family members have such wildly different approaches to parenting. I doubt the “authorities” are going to do anything–sadly cry-it-out is still the norm in much of this country, so I doubt they would consider it abuse.
I would encourage you to talk to your daughter-in-law and share your experiences as a child. You can back up your own personal experiences with the science of why Cry-it-Out doesn’t work–especially for a young infant like your granddaughter (check out the Ensure Safe Sleep Principle on API’s site: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/night.php).
Do you think that she might be suffering from postpartum depression? If she is, then it becomes even more important to approach her from a place of love and support and make sure that she doesn’t perceive judgment.
I don’t envy you this situation and wish you luck finding a way to talk with her and with your son.
Hi! I wanted to leave you a little reassurance… We never let our DD CIO and she started STTN somewhere between 18-22 months. Now she is a great sleeper, rarely wakes at night and always goes back to sleep. Good luck and know (as I’m sure you do!) that she will sleep well soon!
I laid with my high needs daughter for up to two hours for every nap and every bedtime for almost FOUR years.
I do not regret my decision to never let her cry it out. It might have been better for me, but it would never have been better for her.
Thanks everybody… I too am struggling through the night with my 13mnth year old – 3 1/2 hrs sleep, I am honestly excited – 4hrs, is a miraculous event!! Anyway, she is restless and awake to suckle v frequently…. usually every 1 1/2 hr or more. Its like a little secret, that only other AP, close friends know about. My best friend’s son is 2 1/2 mnths and already only waking twice a night… she follows Gina Ford & swears by it – I can face telling her this, although we are so, so close and I love her. SO, I come here for support… its hard, frustrating and beautiful all at the same time.
Lynn, I am sooooo sorry for your situation – what is the latest?? maybe some books, or gentle education will help?? best of Luck.
I am a supporter of Attachment Parenting and we were very responsive to my son when he was an infant. We now have a wonderfully strong bond with him.
My mother instincts could have never in a million years allowed him to cry it out. Please don’t bury your instincts, listen to them and trust them. They are there for a reason.
Just hearing of other people’s stories of being forced to cry it out makes me almost cry.
God bless the mommies who are responsive no matter how high maintenance their baby is.
You guys are all nuts. Your EIGHTEEN month old child won’t sleep for more than 4 hours. REALLY.
She could just be unusual. Some kids are. But likely she is very sleep deprived. Poor thing. Let her find a way to stay asleep.
I think you guys are nuts. And this article has just proven to me that AP and baby led this or that is a bunch of hooey.
Thanks. People who read this article – I let my happy son CIO. And he lived and thrived and loves to sleep.
CIO mom, only someone who could let their child cry out and not want to go to them, could hide behind a nickname and try to shame loving parents. I wonder why you even feel the need to lash out so vehemently if you really believe your own criticisms. Thank YOU for proving to me that the way I am raising my children will encourage compassion instead of convenience in their adult and familial relationships.