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Before I became the mother of a toddler, I remember listening to other parents describe their little one’s behavior with the term “terrible twos.” To be honest, I had no idea what kind of behavior was meant by the term except that whatever was going on during this stage in a child’s development was somehow “terrible” or at the very least, challenging for the parents. As my high need baby grows into an almost two year old, I am (and believe me, I am not bragging) now the enlightened mother of a child who is going through her terrible twos; my dear Annabelle is one instant a cheerful little girl who listens to mom and dad (and likes them) and the next she is a take charge, march to the beat of her own drum rebel who has little patience for her pesky parents.
Since we practice attachment parenting, I often turn to other parents in my local API support group as well as books on attachment parenting. My favorites are those written by the Sears family; right now, The Discipline Book is helping me make sense of those intense “terrible twos” moments with my toddler, who the Sears might describe as a “tantrum-prone child.” If you are a parent of a toddler who is short tempered, you may be reading this post, nodding your head in understanding; if not, then consider yourself the lucky parent of a mellow toddler. Whatever your experiences with your child (or children), I hope you will understand that I love my daughter very much, am attentive to her, hold her, nurse her, and do my very best to parent her from my heart. That said, there are times when I feel overwhelmed by her tantrums, and on those days when I am especially sleep deprived and the world is foggy, I simply don’t know what to do (although I often consider these the best days to rest, lay low, and let my little one read books in bed with me).
My own responses to my daughter’s tantrums range from giving in to her demands (for example, when she says “mine,” I passively tell her “okay”) to firmly saying “no,” (which I really really dislike saying since it reminds me of own authoritarian father). At a recent playdate where Annabelle insisted on bringing her helium inflated balloon (I foresaw the balloon triggering a tantrum or perhaps a power struggle with another child), I observed the accuracy of my intuition when Annabelle pushed her playmate down as the child attempted to touch the balloon. In the past, I simply removed toys that triggered power struggles between children at our playgroups; this time, I apologized to the parent of the child who Annabelle pushed and then asked Annabelle to sign her apology to the child. I then told my daughter that the balloon needed to take a break. Perhaps because of the commotion, Annabelle completely melted down and seemed less than pleased with her mom.
In The Discipline Book, the Sears devote an entire chapter to tantrums that they call “Taming Temper Tantrums.” Underlying the advice in this book is the Sears’ ideal that parents encourage “desirable actions” and discourage “undesirable behavior.” Below, I’ve listed several techniques that the Sears recommend for discouraging tantrums and other undesirable behaviors:
1. Practice attachment parenting. By practicing the 8 principles of attachment parenting, like feeding with love and respect, responding with sensitivty, using positive touch, and providing consistent love and care, we can establish a strong bond with our children and stay in tune with their emotions and thoughts.
2. Identify triggers. As I mentioned earlier, I notice that certain situations will upset my daughter to the point that she feels like she is going to lose control (like sharing a favorite toy or leaving the park when she is having lots of fun). At the same time, I find myself surprised at times that she has become upset or needs some quiet time to herself. The Sears recommend making a behavior chart and noting what kinds of circumstances encourage desirable behavior versus undesirable behavior.
3. Know yourself. A child who is prone to getting upset may have a parent who is also highly sensitive. By learning healthy ways to respond to a tantruming child, a sensitive parent may avoid making the situation worse by acting quickly. The Sears also suggest that parents who throw tantrums seek professional help so that they may move beyond their own undesirable behaviors.
The most attentive of parents who are totally in tune with their children may occasionally find themselves with a tantrum throwing child. Since our children are expressing their frustrations by throwing a tantrum, parents can, according to the Sears, use these moments as opportunities to connect with their child. The Sears suggest that parents help give a word to what their children may be feeling while tantruming, to gently hold and talk soothingly to the child, and to reassure the child that things will be okay.
With these approaches for managing tantrums from The Discipline Book, I feel more confident that I will be prepared to help my daughter the next time she gets upset and overwhelmed by her emotions.
What experiences have you had as the parent of a tantrum prone toddler? What suggestions do you have for helping a child (and his parents) manage overwhelming emotions? Have you found any books on attachment parenting or parenting in general to be helpful to you when your child was going through the “terrible” and “terrific” twos?
Jessica Monte is the author of Green Mamma, a green living and natural parenting blog. She is also a contributor to the blog 5 Minutes for Going Green, and is currently working on her application to become a group leader for Attachment Parenting International.
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It’s good to read a post like this Jessica! Littlepixie (23 months) is fond of the “lie on the ground and flail wildly” type of tantrum. Seems myself & hubby also favoured this type of display, so perhaps these are genetic tantrums
We try and avoid triggers, or if a tantrum has occurred we usually sit down beside her and if she lets us we will rub her head and when she has finished she usually comes over for a big hug or to rest her head in our laps.
I think at this age the frustration can quickly become overwhelming for toddlers and they’re only learning how to deal with it, so after she has finished and gets a cuddle, we talk about what happened with her and tell her how much we love her.
These days, I’m having to change plans quite fluidly to help LP, for instance our mother & toddler group is very busy as the weather is bad, it’s too much for her, too busy & loud. We still go but we arrive late & leave early. She’s moved nap time too, so that’s causing a few overtired issues, but we’ll get there!
Ahhhh, the toddler years. Yes, I do indeed remember these!
I am usually not one for “gimmicks” or for “formulas” for parenting, but I have not been disappointed with Dr Harvey Karp’s Happiest Toddler on the Block method. It centers around the concept of acknowledging your child’s frustration from his/her point of view. It is a natural extension of what we try to do as AP families. I found the video examples to be helpful just b/c i could see that my kids were pretty reasonable compared to some of the wee ones in the video
I also rely heavily on advice from Pam Leo and her book Connection Parenting. The exercises were instrumental in allowing us to parent from a place of love instead of from pre-programmed knee-jerk scripts learned in our own childhoods.
But ultimately, one of the most important things i have found when it comes to (public) tantrums is to realize that we are not obligated to make the people around us comfortable with our child’s behavior or prove to onlookers that we are going to force our child to behave for their benefit. Throwing away our own fears of being judged in public is so liberating!
Pixie, we too have been more relaxed about attending playgroups. Additionally, I notice that my daughter is less prone to throwing tantrums when I am giving her my attention and am making an effort to reduce excess stimulation (caused by large crowds and lots of noise). One recent change that I made so that I can be more present for her is to cut back on some of “outside” activities that take me away from her (yes, even blogging).
It is comforting to hear what works for other parents and their children so far as managing undesirable behavior and encouraging desirable actions. I hope you will share more (regarding positive discipline and connecting during tantrums) as Little Pixie journeys into her 3rd year! =)
Two wasn’t bad for me. But three was very difficult. There is a very old book (I forget that author) called “Your Three Year Old: Friend Or Foe?” that was very helpful. He just turned 4. Things are better.
My second child is getting ready to turn 2 though and she’s always been my easy one. I’m hoping she stays that way.
So far, I’ve found the “terrible twos” not as terrible as I thought but certainly not a piece of cake, either. My toddler turned two in June, and I’m just now really getting a grip of what works to prevent/calm tantrums with her.
1. Triggers!! I really pay attention to whether my daughter is tired, hungry, or needs a diaper change. She also has asthma, and on bad breathing days or when she has a cold, she’s very prone to tantrums.
2. Development! My daughter really wants to do what grown-ups do, and she gets frustrated when she can’t. I’ve had to learn when it’s OK to just let her try to do something. Of course, I don’t let her try to slice the apple herself with a knife, but for things that aren’t dangerous to her, I’ve learned not to jump in but to step back and just see what she’ll do…and I’ve been amazed! This morning, she gathered all the toothbrushes, passed them out to me and her baby sister, after putting toothpaste on mine. And tonight, she reached into the silverware drawer, pulled out enough forks and spoons for everyone and passed them out to everyone. And she puts her dishes away in the dishwasher. Not stopping her from trying to be a grownup has prevented a lot of tantrums.
3. Allow time to cool down! When she does have a tantrum, I ask her to go to her room, not as a time out but as a time to cool down. She’s allowed to come out when she wants, and she always waits now until she’s in a better mood. Then, I’ll take the time to talk with her as a followup (she doesn’t talk much yet, but she does answer questions like “Do you need a diaper change?” or “Were you wanting to pour the milk yourself? Here, you can help me hold the cup.”)
4. Of course, practice AP. I don’t think you can really do #3 or 4 without knowing your child well and observing her/him.
My own children are now young adults and I have been a preschool teacher for half of my life.
Tantrums are one of the most challenging things for us to deal with. Young children can not rationalize with us, they are very much present-tense creatures and they haven’t learned the social skills that we (hopefully!) have.
I have learned to anticipate problems, like you did with the balloon. But stuff happens, no matter how much we prepare. When a child has
a tantrum, count to 10, taking some slow deep breaths to center yourself…this will pass. I think this is one of the most helpful tools in my toolbox…my breath. We all get mad, and quite frankly, I feel like throwing tantrums myself sometimes…I just have more impulse control than little ones. Stay close and let the feelings be there. If you need to speak, you can say something like…’you feel angry right now’…The more we try to stop the emotion, the more it can escalate because the child is not feeling heard. I have learned not to solve problems in the midst of a tantrum storm. If you were feeling angry and I tried to talk with you, it would be useless until you calmed down. So usually, I stay close or hold a child, while I am breathing to ground myself, until the storm passes. Anger triggers us all, tantrums are children’s ways of saying that something is not right with their world. Most of us have a hard time dealing with our own anger and that complicates the whole deal! After, all is done, I ask how are you feeling now? Usually, it’s…happy. I feel happy. I make sure to stress that feelings change. You were frustrated, now you are happy again. Yup, feelings change!
Christian AP Mama, thank you for sharing your tips for connecting during tantrums. Suggestions #3 reminds me of “time in” as described in the book Connection Parenting. Great ideas.
Harmony, thank you for reminding us all that emotions come and go (in all of us, including our children) as well as sharing practical strategies for how you’ve helped so many young ones through their expressions of difficult emotions. I want to give my daughter the message that I accept her and all of her emotions, and what I am learning is that in order to do that, I sometimes need to give myself a “time out” so that I may proceed calmly and be the parent she needs me to be.
Thanks for this article. I’m going to have to read the Sears book next. The 2’s have been pretty terrible over here. I try very hard to respond appropriately, but no matter what I do, the tantrums seem endless some days. I think that it’s important to ackowlege that even if you practice AP from birth, some children are just more “high needs” than others and need to outgrow this behavior.
Mama K, Amen to that! I know so many AP kids who are mellow, but my daughter is definitely “spirited”. Ah well, let’s just say that she didn’t fall too far from the tree. =)
As long-time AP mom (both kids grown) and a devoted follower of Dr. Sears’ recommendations I add that I found it helpful rather than to tell the child what she or he feels, to say, “I’d like to discuss this with you when you are finished screaming and yelling. I’ll wait here until you’re done.” I would discuss my internal screams with a sympathetic friend or my husband. This worked for me.
I actually did follow up the tantrums with questions about what made the child angry, in an effort to teach them to discuss the feelings perhaps the next time.
Thanks for the tips. You’re right, most of the time, what parents do is the reason why toddlers throw tantrums. And according to Tantrum Toddlers Researcher, parents are the only one who can stop their child by creating a motivating activities as much as they can.
I do agree on this, tantrums could be the best time to pay more attention to your child and build a much closer relationship with her. Nice thoughts